


Let Me In

by julien (julie)



Category: due South
Genre: Episode: s01e22 Letting Go, Healing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-01-01
Updated: 1996-01-01
Packaged: 2020-09-26 06:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20385193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julie/pseuds/julien
Summary: Victoria Metcalfe left a trail of destruction in her wake… Fraser isn't sure he's ready to start healing yet, but Ray carefully tries to start picking up the pieces.





	Let Me In

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** Well, no doubt our Ray and Fraser lived happily ever after… up to and including the episode HEAVEN AND EARTH. The trouble being that the mysterious woman from Fraser’s past then shows up in the double episode VICTORIA’S SECRET – and she was played with great beauty and power by Melina Kanakaredes. No matter how many different theories abounded about who Victoria was, and why she did what she did, the one thing we agreed on was that Victoria had quite an impact on our boys and their lives and their relationship. 
> 
> At that stage I wasn’t quite game enough to fit Victoria into the same story as an existing relationship (as lovers) between Fraser and Ray. But this is how I first dealt with Victoria’s aftermath… 
> 
> VICTORIA’S SECRET ends with a rather devastating cliff-hanger. I wrote LET ME IN while anxiously waiting through the week for the following episode, LETTING GO – so my story mostly ignores how DUE SOUTH ‘officially’ resolved the situation. You’ll soon find that my versions of Ray and Fraser spend a whole lot more time talking the issues through than they did in LETTING GO… And my Ray doesn’t need to get shot! He does, however, need to do something else instead… 
> 
> The title and lyrics are borrowed from two songs by R.E.M. – LET ME IN and STRANGE CURRENCIES. 
> 
> **First published:** 1 January 1996 in my zine Pure Maple Syrup

# Let Me In 

♦

They had gone over and over it in those weeks Fraser spent at the hospital after Ray shot him. Ray and Fraser had talked it all through again and again, trying to make sense of it, trying to understand what had happened — who had done what, and when and why, and what they were thinking at the time – what each had assumed or guessed about the others, and how that had affected their own actions and reactions.

There was little blame between them, and they had both left the guilt behind after the first few days, though each had apologised a number of times. Fraser had betrayed Ray’s friendship in deciding to run away with Victoria despite the fact Ray had mortgaged his home to pay Fraser’s bail. And Ray had accidentally shot his friend, while trying to protect him from Victoria, who had seemed about to shoot Fraser. Ray’s intention had actually been to shoot Victoria, unaware that she wasn’t armed at the time.

Ray finally asked, ‘Would we be talking like this, would we still be friends, if I’d killed her? Because I wanted to disable her, but I could have killed her as easily as hit her shoulder. The light was bad, she was on a moving train, facing sideways to me…’

Fraser replied, ‘I don’t know. You thought the best of me, Ray, and you acted within the law, and you did what was right. She isn’t dead. That’s all that matters.’ Because there was too much to agonise over already, without adding the horror of _what if this_ and _what if that_ and _what if his friend had killed his lover_.

Instead of blame and guilt, there was a raw quiet anguish between them, an honesty both brutal and gentle. A respect. But there was no happiness. Ray had caught a good dose of Fraser’s cool reserve, and it fit him horribly well. He would visit the hospital for hours each day before or after he went to work, and sometimes at lunchtimes as well. Fraser had the impression Ray wasn’t terribly motivated for work right now, and that the Lieutenant was letting him get away with it.

Fraser and Ray would talk, often not looking at each other, talking around and around, picking up an abandoned conversation from a week before, or working through another aspect neither had thought of before. Or they would sit in silence, long silences that seemed unnatural for Ray Vecchio, but again surprisingly fit him. And the sadness between them would be heavy and never-ending.

_And I thought this woman was gonna come between us,_ Ray had said weeks ago, with a laugh, when they were in the middle of realising just how Victoria Metcalfe was systematically ruining their lives. It was ironic back then, that Ray’s worst fears had simply been sharing his best friend with the woman in his life.

Ray said now, ‘I still don’t understand why you decided to go with her, Fraser.’

‘Love,’ Benton Fraser replied, as if that explained everything.

_yeah all those stars drip down like butter_  
and promises are sweet  
we hold out our pans, lift our hands to catch them  
we eat them up, drink them up, up up up

_hey, let me in   
hey, let me in_

Another day in Fraser’s hospital room. He and Ray were surrounded by flowers and balloons and cards from half the women in Chicago, but the profusion of colour failed to inspire any cheer in either of them. The consulate had sent a gift basket, once Fraser had been taken off suspension and put on sick leave. It was gathering dust in the corner. Ray’s sister Francesca had sent a large and adorable teddy bear, which Ray occasionally held in his arms, though it seemed to give him little comfort.

‘You’re very pale. Are you in pain?’ Ray asked. He was sitting in his usual chair, a few feet away to Fraser’s left.

‘No. No, not anymore.’ There was a numbness, a heaviness, but no pain.

‘That’s good.’

Fraser said, ‘Love is about being with a person, no matter what. Being with them all the time, sharing everything with them, knowing them. Knowing them when they’re miserable and when they’re full of joy – when they do something so good that it transcends them, and when they’re petty and mean – when they are calm in their faith, and when they doubt everything. My father never knew my mother, Ray, he was never there. He didn’t love her, he couldn’t possibly have really loved her.’

‘OK,’ Ray replied, ‘so if you’d gone with Victoria, you’d be with her all the time, and you’d know her inside out. But what happens when you know her cruelty, when you really face that? The cruelty in her that took revenge on you, that set you up and took away everything you loved. You would have lost your job, and any chance of respect from your colleagues. She shot poor Diefenbaker. She set up your best friend, would have sent him to prison – and you know how cops are treated in jail. When you wouldn’t go with her, she was even going to kill you with my gun, and hang that on me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Fraser said, quietly but with dull feeling.

Ray lifted his head. As usual, when he really looked at his friend lying back on the hospital bed, Ray’s mobile face betrayed confused anxiety. Fraser offered him a wan smile. Ray sighed and said, ‘My point is that she’s cruel, and full of revenge and hate, and you would know all of that if you were with her, you would see it right there next to you. So, how could you still love her? How can you love someone like that?’

‘The best kind of love is unconditional, isn’t it? I would love her despite everything.’

‘Would you?’ Ray shook his head, uncomprehending. ‘Maybe _you_ could, Fraser. Maybe you’re capable of that, and you have the strength and the forgiveness. I couldn’t do it.’

‘If God can forgive her and love her, how can I _not?’_

‘You’re not God, Benny. I never knew a human being with so much grace in him – maybe you can love unconditionally, and the only limit here is my imagination, or my love, but I think you’re wrong about this. I picture you and her together, on the run, hiding. You, Fraser – you’re unable to be anything you’ve been, anything that’s important to you, unable to do good or help people or live by the law. I see something dead inside of you, Fraser. Your decency would have died. And I see you making that effort every day to love her, it would be so hard and so difficult to keep loving her that you’d have no energy left for anything else. There’d be no joy and no happiness with that love, just a dogged kind of persistence.’

Fraser shook his head, and focused on distant wistful memories. ‘She’s beautiful, Ray, incredibly beautiful. And when we kissed, whenever we made love, there was passion to it. The kind of passion that feels like truth.’

Ray leaned forward, elbows on his knees. ‘How long would that passion last when everything else in your life is miserable? When you can never use your real name – Hell, you realise you couldn’t marry her? You’re always looking over your shoulder, always thinking of how she’s ruined both our lives. How long would she look beautiful to you, when you’ve seen how little beauty she has inside?’

‘But it’s partly my fault, that the darkness in her grew. If I hadn’t turned her in, if she hadn’t spent ten years in jail, she’d be beautiful inside and out. That’s my fault, and if I was with her maybe I could help her earn that beauty back.’

Ray said quietly, ‘No, it’s too late for her. It was too late.’

The silence returned, thoughtful in a dull kind of way. Eventually Ray nodded a farewell to his friend, and left to go home.

_I only wish that I could hear you whisper down_  
mister fisherman, to a less peculiar ground  
he gathered up his loved ones and he brought them all around  
to say goodbye, nice try

_hey, let me in, yeah yeah yeah  
hey, let me in, let me in_

The first time that the nurses allowed Fraser out of bed, Ray installed him in a wheelchair and took him down to the tiny patch of garden at the foot of the hospital building. ‘Diefenbaker!’ Fraser cried out in surprise, feeling more animated than at any time since he’d been shot.

‘Yeah, he’s been missing you, too. Figured I’d better bring him with me today.’

‘He’s all right?’ Against medical advice, Fraser was out of the chair and sitting cross-legged on the grass, the wolf in his arms. Diefenbaker was licking his face in energetic welcome.

Ray winced. ‘How hygienic. Yeah, he’s doing fine now, he’s been healing quicker than you, Fraser. But he’s been fretting without you, driving Ma crazy.’

‘Thank you, Ray.’ Fraser tilted his head to look up at the man, almost smiling. ‘And please thank your mother for me, for having him stay in your home. I greatly appreciate her generosity and her patience.’ His attention returned to the wolf, and he held Diefenbaker’s jaw so the wolf would watch and listen. ‘You’ll have to behave better. I’ve talked to you before about what’s appropriate when you’re a house-guest.’

Fraser barely noticed as Ray quietly withdrew to the park bench off to one side of the garden, and tactfully left them to it.

Pleased to be outside in the sunshine, Fraser sat there on the grass, with the air as fresh as it ever was in Chicago, and his wolf friend in his arms. ‘I’ve missed you, too,’ he said. ‘It’s been a difficult time. I don’t suppose anyone’s told you everything that happened.’ Fraser was quiet for a while, Diefenbaker unable to fully distract him from the memories and all their ramifications. And Fraser finally confessed in a whisper, ‘I have the most terrible nightmares, Dief. About Victoria. About Ray. I hope you’re spared that at least.’

_I had a mind to try to stop you_  
let me in, let me in  
I’ve got tar on my feet and I can’t see  
all the birds look down and laugh at me  
clumsy, crawling out of my skin

_oh, let me in, yeah yeah yeah  
hey, let me in_

Another day. Every day in this drab hospital room seemed the same as the previous day, and all the next days stretched on into infinity. The only things Fraser looked forward to were Diefenbaker’s visits, which of course meant Fraser must be wheeled outside into the sunshine as even Ray couldn’t sneak a wolf into the hospital.

Another day, and more talk. Another attempt to understand, to analyse, to explain. Patience born of weariness. ‘I needed a second chance, Ray. I should have let her go that first time, I shouldn’t have sent her to prison for ten years.’

‘She was a criminal,’ Ray replied in a hard tone, ‘you did what was right. If you’d compromised the law, you couldn’t have lived with the fact.’

‘I could have lived with that easier than what I did. I’ve agonised through those ten years, knowing where she was. And she suffered, that was worse. The woman I loved suffered because of what I chose to do.’

‘So she came to find you and make you suffer in turn.’

‘I hurt her life, doing that to her, hurt her beyond repair. If I’d let her go, I don’t think we’d have stayed together, but the darkness in her might have healed.’

‘You can bear your own pain, Fraser, you’re very stoic if it’s you that’s hurting. But you suffer most when others suffer, you have a lot of empathy. Like Victoria being in prison for ten years, yeah, that hurt you. And like me, if she’d got away with it – you’d have hated living with the knowledge I’d been set up, I was in prison, my home mortgaged for your bail and you ran on me, everything wrecked.’

‘Yes.’ Fraser looked at the man, realising perhaps for the first time how Ray shared the pervasive dullness. Even the man’s clothes had lost their vibrancy. Frowning, Fraser imagined his friend in prison for crimes he had not committed. ‘I am sorry,’ he offered, though it felt pointless.

‘I know,’ Ray replied flatly. ‘We’re all sorry, the whole world’s sorry.’

Fraser took a breath, and returned to the conversation. ‘If I’d let Victoria go that first time, then it wouldn’t have been my responsibility. Anything that happened to her after that would have been her own choice.’

‘It was her choice, Fraser, in the first place. Ten years ago, you saved her life. She would have died out there in the snow if you hadn’t found her. You saved her life, and you delivered her to justice.’

‘But she saved my life, too, and we fell in love, and she asked me to let her go. It’s no use going over all that again, Ray – I’ve long known I made the wrong decision. I was only twenty-three. Very young. For years I wanted nothing more than a second chance, to make the right decision this time, to let her go. So when she came to Chicago, I tried everything I could to support her within the law. When that didn’t work, I betrayed her to the law. I made the same decision again, I didn’t let her go, I tried to deliver her to justice. But when it came down to it, when she was on that train and calling to me, asking me to go with her – when it was my very last chance, I felt I had to trust in that one instinct, it was so strong. This was my very last opportunity for that second chance, and I had to take it.’

‘I understand.’

‘Do you?’ Fraser asked with the briefest flash of frustration, as if he actually cared. ‘Do any of us?’

Ray persisted. ‘Yes. That one instinct misled you. You would have been miserable. The first decision you made, to turn her in, it was an impossible situation, it was a – what do they call it? A lose/lose situation – but you did the best thing for you. And it wouldn’t have been right for you to be with her now, Benny, it would have killed you. A long slow horrible lingering death of the soul.’

Silence.

‘I don’t think she would have stayed with you, you know,’ Ray continued, voice hard but careful. ‘You wouldn’t have brought her any joy. Maybe you’ve been her symbol of all that’s good in the world, and she had to have your grace in her life – but you would become nothing more than her bad conscience. What reason would she have to hang around with her one hope turned sour?’

Fraser shifted on his hospital bed, moving stiffly, rude enough to turn his back on his friend – and Fraser said no more until Ray left for the day.

_hey, let me in, yeah yeah yeah  
hey, let me in_

Ray had bought Fraser a portable CD player, and a pair of headphones so tiny that the speakers fit neatly into each ear. The selection of music that he provided was strange to Fraser, mostly being modern, but he dutifully listened to it all, pleased that none of it seemed overly cheerful. There was some beautifully heartbreakingly sad Mozart, and some inspiringly dark Beethoven. A range of music from Ireland, including women with the most incredible voices, named Enya and Dolores and Sinead. _We’re all Irish at heart,_ Ray claimed. And then a modern group named after the dream state – one CD of ballads full of sorrow and hope, and another influenced by the mess of noise apparently known as grunge.

Fraser even developed the habit of taking the music with him to the garden when Diefenbaker visited. Ray seemed not to mind this further distraction of Fraser’s attention. They didn’t talk so much anymore.

The man had been a good friend. Amazing that he was still here, despite Fraser’s betrayal of him. Memories resurfaced of the train station, and Fraser leaping up to the carriage and Victoria’s arms just as Ray fired his gun. Falling back, falling away from Victoria’s beautiful anguish, lying on the platform, snowflakes spinning down through the air to land cold on him. No pain, really, though he knew he was dying. Something large and hard and beyond pain. Ray bending over him. _I should be with her,_ Fraser confessed to his friend.

_What did he say?_ the Lieutenant asked.

And Ray, even though it was now clear to him that Fraser had chosen to go with Victoria and leave Ray behind to face the consequences – Ray interpreted this to the Lieutenant as, _He said get me to a hospital._

Lying there in the snow. Reciting Victoria’s poem, because that was what kept him alive last time. Ray’s hand heavy on his chest, on his heart.

Fraser lifted his face to the sunshine now, weak though it was, wanting it to melt away the memory of the snow falling on him. Diefenbaker’s warm breath at his throat helped. Putting his arms around the wolf, Fraser held him closely, careful of their respective injuries.

Sitting here in the grass provided, beyond doubt, the better moments of these weeks. But, for some unstated reason, Ray wouldn’t share the sunshine with him, Ray always sat on the park bench some thirty feet distant and waited with endless patience.

Tugging the earphones out, Fraser stopped the CD player. ‘Ray! Come and join us.’

The man looked across at him fora moment. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

Another pause, but then Ray walked over, and sat cross-legged on the other side of Diefenbaker. The men remained silent, but each stroked and patted the wolf – Diefenbaker sat very still and wallowed in the attention. The sun shone with a little more strength, blessing the tiny garden.

Inevitably their hands touched. Fraser politely pulled away, and Ray began scratching behind the wolf’s ears instead. Fraser whispered, ‘How are you, Ray?’

The man glanced up at him, and then evenly met his gaze when Ray saw that Fraser genuinely wanted to know. ‘Not so great,’ Ray confessed. ‘Worried about you.’

‘What about me?’

‘All the life’s gone out of you.’ Ray obviously regretted his hasty words – ‘I’m sorry, Benny.’ 

‘It’s all right. Tell me.’

A long silence before Ray began again. ‘You took so long to wake up, it was like you’d lost your will. And now you’re healing so slowly, too slowly. You used to have the most assurance and confidence I’d ever seen, used to be so damned hale and hearty. Now it’s like you’re not quite… whole anymore.’

Fraser sighed. His hand stroked down the wolf’s back, and met Ray’s hand again. Taking the opportunity, Fraser grasped his friend’s hand for a moment and then let it go. ‘I’m sorry,’ he offered.

‘Yeah.’ Sad tones. ‘You’ve been saying that a lot lately. I’d rather you did something about it instead of just lying around feeling sorry.’

Fraser felt a flash of resentment, as if he actually cared. Why shouldn’t he be self-indulgent for once in his life? And why the hell should this man try to make him feel petty about it?

Ray, who’d been watching him, caught this reaction and smiled wryly. ‘I don’t get through to you very often these days.’

‘Then get through to me now,’ Fraser snapped, tone more impatient than he’d ever used with his friend before.

The quiet returned after a time, for Ray said nothing and did nothing. The sun poured down on them, and a breeze stirred the leaves of the one tree in the garden. Diefenbaker lay on the grass between them, and fell asleep while they patted him. Peace. Warmth and blessed peace. 

_I don’t know why you’re mean to me_  
when I call on the telephone  
and I don’t know what you mean to me  
but I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out  
I want to take you on

_these words, you will be mine  
these words, you will be mine all the time_

Ray’s hand touched his, deliberate this time. Fraser looked at him, and Ray returned his gaze steadily – resolute, and a little afraid. Their hands meshed with each other, with Diefenbaker’s fur. Meshed and held, and then their fingers intertwined. They continued to watch each other carefully, thoughtfully.

‘You’re in love with me,’ Fraser observed in a whisper.

‘Well, of course I am,’ his friend replied, full of exasperated humour. ‘Is that enough to get through to you with?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good.’

‘When did you start loving me?’ Fraser asked.

‘What, are we going to sit around for weeks analysing this to death, too?’ But he answered, ‘I don’t know, Benny. It’s been growing on me for a while now. Since Victoria, I think, but I loved you dearly as a friend back then, and this came out of that.’

Fraser nodded, appreciating the information – but conscious, too, of the fragility of this situation. Surely Ray, for all his apparent comfort, must be feeling terribly vulnerable right now. Fraser continued to hold Ray’s hand, letting the fingers and thumb explore his palm, answering the simple embrace.

‘I was scared,’ Ray murmured, ‘that the man I love lived only in the past.’

‘Doesn’t he?’

‘No. I can see him right now. His heart is beating strong and sure, his eyes glint blue under the sky, and he cares with all his heart and soul.’

‘I don’t, Ray. Not anymore.’

‘Yes, you do. You’re on hold, you’re in limbo – you’re not dead. You just need waking up again. I’m sorry about saying those things before.’

‘You were trying to wake me up,’ Fraser said. ‘Don’t be sorry.’

‘I’m not going to pursue you, OK? All those women – there’s men, too, I guess – they chase after you like they’re carnivores and you’re the only meat in town. They terrify you, and who can blame you. I’m not going to do that, so you don’t have to worry.’

‘That is difficult,’ Fraser commented: ‘to love someone and do nothing.’

‘Oh, I’m doing something. I’m being here, I’m being your friend. That’s plenty. If you and me happens, it happens, and I’ll be the happiest guy on the planet. If it doesn’t, well that’s OK, too.’

‘Ray, you are being reasonable.’

‘It’s not unheard of, you know.’ Ray was smiling. Fraser had never seen him so relaxed and at ease with himself. ‘Hey, I’ve told you about it now. That’s a big thing for me, what with my paranoid fear of rejection and all that. I guess I figured you were too nice a person to actually laugh at me.’

‘I would never laugh at you, Ray.’

And they sat there, the warmth finally beginning to have an effect on Fraser. They sat there, the wolf between them, two men holding hands in public. It was really rather pleasant.

_the fool might be my middle name_  
but I’d be foolish not to say  
going to make whatever it takes  
ring you up, call you down, sign your name, secret love  
couldn’t I take you in and make you mine?

_these words, you will be mine  
these words, you will be mine all the time_

‘You told me what you think love is,’ Ray said. They were in the hospital room, and it was three days after Fraser had discovered that Ray was in love with him. ‘You said it was being with someone, being there for them, getting to know them.’

‘Yes. I believe that’s how love should work in practice. How would you define it?’

‘Define it?’ A pause from this man who was rarely lost for words. ‘Strange, isn’t it? How do you define this thing? We all feel love, every human being has this in common, but how do you describe what it is?’

‘Tell me what it isn’t,’ Fraser suggested.

‘Yeah, that’s easier. Too often it seems like obsession, or possession. Or projecting what we want onto someone, anyone, and insisting that’s the truth for as long as we can get away with it. Or we love in others what we really want in ourselves, but being with them doesn’t change us into that thing.’ 

‘Then why do you love me?’

Ray opened his mouth, closed it again. Shook his head. ‘You’re really asking me? Is this, like, for information and analysis? Because I never intended to argue my case.’

‘Why not?’

_‘Why not?’_ Ray repeated, apparently confused and exasperated again. He stood, paced over to the window and back. ‘I’ve been thinking about that. I mean, I told you I’m in love with you, and that should have been difficult, but I felt fine. I was expecting – and I think you were, too – I thought I’d be a mess of nerves. But I figure I wasn’t scared because I never expected anything to come of it. I didn’t have anything to lose, because you’ve proved you’re my best friend no matter what. And nothing else was ever going to happen. You’re already in love, after all.’

‘I see,’ Fraser murmured. A silence returned, surprisingly comfortable. Ray had wandered over to the window again, and was staring out of it with his hands in his trouser pockets. Fraser considered the fellow, curiosity tingling. He said, ‘I was thinking that, once I’m better, I might take a leave of absence. I feel I need to take some time.’

Ray simply nodded, as if he’d suspected as much. ‘I’ll miss you,’ he whispered, though so quietly that Fraser wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly.

One of the nurses came in for Fraser’s regular check-up. ‘Good afternoon, Emily,’ Fraser greeted her.

‘Hello, Benton. My, you’re looking better every day.’

‘Yeah,’ Ray commented dryly, ‘he does that. It’s a Mountie thing.’

Fraser lifted an amused eyebrow at him, and was prevented from a response by a thermometer being placed under his tongue.

‘I mean it,’ Emily continued absently while taking his pulse. ‘You’re a strong man, Benton, but that didn’t begin to help you until the last couple of days. You’re finally healing.’

‘Hallelujah,’ Ray intoned, still gazing absently out of the window.

‘Don’t you take the mickey, Detective,’ Emily retorted. She kept her fingers on Fraser’s wrist, though he knew she was actually checking his breathing. ‘We nearly lost this man, and he’s taken his own good time to decide to get well.’

Ray looked absolutely shamed, and Fraser felt for him. Emily obviously had no idea who had sent that bullet into Fraser’s back. She patted Fraser on the hand, jotted down a few notes on his charts, and bustled off.

‘I almost killed you,’ Ray muttered once they were alone. ‘That’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.’ Before Fraser could say anything, he continued, ‘And you want to know why I love you. It’s because you bring out the best of me. Because when I’m with you I’m who I want to be, and I can love myself. When I’m with Benton Fraser, I’m the best damned Ray Vecchio there is. It’s easy to lose sight of right and wrong sometimes, it’s easy to do what’s expected, no more and no less. With you around, I think about things, and I find the strength from anywhere I can to do what’s right.’

Fraser let a beat go by, to acknowledge the significance of what Ray had said. ‘It doesn’t matter whether it’s me who makes you think,’ he replied. ‘What matters is that when you’re the best Ray Vecchio, it’s all your doing, it’s your responsibility. I can’t do that for you. I don’t believe you give yourself enough credit.’

Ray shrugged this off. ‘OK, try this one. I look around me, and the best relationships, the ones that really last and are really happy – they’re based on friendship, partnership before all else. You and me, we have that already. Being in love with you is like icing on the cake. I guess that’s why I don’t mind this not going any further. I already have the best part.’

‘You don’t want the rest?’

‘Oh, it would be nice, don’t get me wrong.’ Ray had turned around and was looking at him now, a gleam of speculation in his eye – he suddenly became conscious of this, and blushed. ‘It would be very nice,’ he stumbled on, trying to sound worldly-wise, ‘but I’ll manage fine without it.’

‘I see,’ said Fraser.

‘Oh God,’ prayed Ray, looking to Heaven in despair. ‘Please help me quit this habit of embarrassing myself so badly. Amen.’

_I tripped and fell, did I fall?  
what I want to feel, I want to feel it now_

Outside again, two days later, sitting together on old newspapers unfolded on the damp park bench. The sky was cloudy, but the air was fresh after a recent rainstorm, and Fraser liked that. Diefenbaker was deigning to fetch a stick that Ray kept throwing to the other end of the garden. ‘He’s humouring you,’ Fraser whispered to his friend.

‘It’s mutual,’ Ray whispered in reply.

Fraser smiled at them both. ‘What I don’t understand,’ he said, serious now, ‘is how you can be in love with me after I betrayed your friendship.’

‘Well, so, you made a decision I still don’t quite understand. But I love who you are, and I can see why you were torn in two different directions. You’re generous, and empathic, and ethical, and terribly romantic. What’s not to love?’

‘You’ve forgiven me?’

‘Yeah, weeks ago. We’re still friends, right? Best friends.’

‘Yes.’ Fraser looked at the fellow. ‘You told me you’re not capable of unconditional love, Ray, but I don’t know what else this could be.’

‘Oh.’ Ray looked befuddled. He absently patted the wolf’s head, let the stick drop to the grass. ‘Enough now, Dief.’ He cleared his throat as the wolf settled at their feet. ‘That’s hard, Benny, that’s real hard. If I agree to the existence of unconditional love, then you’ll be sure of how I feel for you. But I’ll also be confirming that you love Victoria, no matter what. That’s a hard call.’

Fraser began to speak, but Ray lifted a hand to stop him.

‘I know, I know. Friendship’s the important thing, and honesty. If we don’t have that between us, we don’t have anything.’ The man took a breath. ‘You’re right. Unconditional love. Maybe I have the strength for it, too. But, Benny, you’re an easy person to love. I know you’re not going to let me down.’

‘I already did, Ray.’

‘Not – not in the important things.’

‘A mortgage on your home, and I wrecked the place. The threat to your career and your freedom. My promise to you that I wasn’t a flight risk – These things aren’t important?’

Ray seemed upset. ‘No. I can’t explain that, but – no.’

Fraser reached to hold his hand. ‘You didn’t deserve all that.’

‘I know,’ the fellow said, voice strained. ‘I didn’t deserve it, but the worst of it didn’t happen. That’s all that matters.’

‘Ah. You’re being reasonable again.’

_you know with love come strange currencies_  
and here is my appeal  
I need a chance, a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance  
a word, a signal, a nod, a little breath  
just to fool myself, catch myself, to make it real, real

_these words, you will be mine  
these words, you will be mine all the time_

‘I know you, Ray,’ Fraser said, ‘as well as any person can know another after a few months of friendship. I want to be with you, be there for you.’

‘That’s fine, Benny,’ the man whispered, still trying to hide how upset he was. Apparently he wasn’t listening, or wasn’t understanding.

‘You’ve been assuming I can’t or won’t fall in love with you, and I don’t know why.’

‘God, there are a million reasons –’

Fraser grasped Ray’s hand a little harder. ‘Don’t tell me you’re unworthy, Ray, because you’re not unworthy.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Ray muttered. ‘But you’re already in love with someone else.’

‘Can you love two people at once? Perhaps you can. What I feel for Victoria – you were right, there’s an obsession wrapped up in it. Genuine love, but so much guilt as well. Regrets. Sorrow. Self-denial. Guilt.’

‘Don’t –’

‘My love for you is wrapped up in friendship and trust. I know you, Ray Vecchio, I’ve seen you at your best and at your worst, and I love you. It’s churlish to make comparisons, but you bring me no problems, no ethical dilemmas. You don’t bring me hate and trouble. Just love. You’re an easy person to love, too.’

‘Fraser, please –’

‘What is it, Ray?’

‘Don’t do this. You’re scaring me.’

‘The only problem is that I can’t quite believe in your continuing faith in me.’

‘Oh God,’ Ray said. His hand was trembling cold in Fraser’s.

_these words, you will be mine_  
these words haunt me, hunt me down, catch in my throat, make me pray  
say love’s combined

Ray had wheeled Fraser back to the hospital room. The silence between them was fraught now with danger and hope and fear and love. To Fraser it felt like the air up in the mountains before a storm broke – beauty and power too great for a lone human being to bear.

‘Stay for a while,’ Fraser asked.

Gazing longingly at the door, the only escape route, Ray nevertheless sat himself down, leaving Fraser to ease himself back onto the bed.

‘What did you mean, that I hadn’t betrayed you in the important things?’

A long silence, Ray having trouble thinking this through. ‘You are who you are, Fraser,’ he said at last, slowly and still unsure. ‘If you’re true to that, then you can’t possibly betray me. If love is more important to you than the law, or right and wrong, or friendship, then you make your decisions based on that.’

‘What would you do if Victoria came back for me? She went to so much trouble to ensure I’d have no choice but to go with her. She hates me, she loves me, she wants me, and she knows that in the end I did decide to go with her. That’s not going to go away.’

‘What would _you_ do?’ Ray asked.

‘I hardly know anymore, I don’t know myself. I wouldn’t trust me if I was you.’

Ray met his gaze, thoughtful. ‘She and I, we could tear you in two, if it came to it. And I’d fight to keep you, Benny, but not if it cost you your life or your soul. I’d let you make your own decision.’

Fraser frowned a little. ‘You think she’d fight for me, no matter what the cost.’

A frustrated sigh. ‘This will sound as if I’m being unfair to her. Churlish, like you said. I don’t want to win you from her, not like that.’

‘Then tell me what you believe to be true.’

‘OK. OK, yeah, Benny, I think she’d do whatever it took. She’s as hard as anyone I’ve ever known. Remember what she put us both through. If she wants to try for you again, she’ll stop at nothing. If that means I lose you, I’ll live with it. I couldn’t live with knowing I helped kill you, or I helped your soul die.’

A long moment of contemplation, but everything seemed very clear now. ‘I know you’re sincere, Ray, and I love you. So come here and claim what is yours.’

‘No…’

Fraser smiled a little. ‘No?’

‘You’re not in love with me, Benny.’

‘Well, of course I am.’ He eased himself upright, swung his legs around to sit on the side of the bed. ‘How can I convince you?’ 

Ray was rubbing at his face with both hands, avoiding his gaze. 

Fraser said, ‘You’ve been so brave until now. It took so much faith and courage to fall in love with me, and then to let me know. Come here to me, Ray.’

‘Don’t patronise me.’

‘I’m sorry. But I don’t care whether you feel unworthy or not, Ray Vecchio. We’ll sort that out some other time. For now, I want to kiss you, and I believe you want that, too.’

‘God, just give me a moment.’ Ray shook his head, grinned in self-mockery. ‘I’m not used to dreams coming true. I don’t know how the Hell to handle it.’

Fraser smiled encouragingly. Ray was no doubt wondering how the cool and clever Chicago cop would deal with this, was no doubt searching for some flippant remark, an offensive attitude.

‘You do scare me, Benny,’ Ray told him. He stood up. ‘Because I have to just be me with you around, no more and no less.’ A few steps, and he was halfway to the hospital bed. ‘And, what with my paranoid fear of rejection and humiliation…’ Close now. ‘It’s just as well you’re such a decent kind of guy.’

‘Is it?’ Fraser murmured. Ray was standing there, mere inches away, unable to cope with anything more than being considered at close range by the man who loved him. ‘I thought you’d want me to be indecent, under the circumstances.’

‘Oh,’ Ray said on a breath, surprised and appreciative and provoked.

Fraser cocked an eyebrow, and waited.

Ray took that last step, eased his arms around Fraser’s waist, and they were kissing. It felt to Fraser that he was alive again. Incredible. He embraced Ray’s back and shoulders, with enough strength to insist the man leaned against him. Absolutely incredible. It was apparent that Ray Vecchio knew all about the kind of passion that feels like truth. Fraser tried to stifle a delighted laugh.

‘What?’ Ray asked, leaning back. ‘Am I hurting you?’

Fraser didn’t let him go far enough for Ray to regain his balance. ‘No, you’re waking me up.’

Ray was grinning. ‘Oh, this is delicious. Very sweet and rare and rich. Kind of like maple syrup, you know?’

‘Don’t babble, Ray,’ Fraser advised him, fitting a hand to the nape of Ray’s neck and drawing him close for another kiss. Yes, incredible. And true. And delicious.

‘My, Benton, no wonder you’re healing now.’ It was Emily.

Ray broke away in utter embarrassment, further confused when he found Fraser would let him stand but wouldn’t let him go.

‘Good afternoon, Emily.’

‘This is the miracle cure, right?’

‘Yes,’ Fraser said.

She stood there, just inside the door, hands on her hips. ‘I’ll come back later to take your pulse – no doubt it’s way too high just now. Any feelings of light-headedness? Dizziness?’

‘Oh yes,’ he replied with great satisfaction.

‘Good. Well, Detective, once you’re done with him, I have a whole ward full of other patients who need curing. When will you be available?’

Ray was shaking his head, apparently completely out-bantered. But he made an effort and said, ‘Sorry, I only do Mounties.’

Emily laughed. ‘Pity. I’ll be back in half an hour, gentlemen. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

Alone again. Fraser smiled at his friend, who muttered, ‘Oh God.’

‘I think you should take some leave from work,’ Fraser suggested. ‘Come up to the Yukon with me. I need some time.’

‘Time with me?’

‘Yes. Time alone, with you, away from Chicago. Time to heal. Would you come with me?’

‘Sure.’ Ray thought about it some more. ‘I’ll probably hate it, you know, but I’ll love being with you. If that’s what you want.’

‘Yes. Come here,’ Fraser whispered, ‘and kiss me.’

Lost for words for once in his life, Ray did so.

♦


End file.
